I'm deeply ashamed and saddened that I am not as close to my
parents as I could be. Perhaps our personalities are incompatible,
perhaps I do not put as much effort into communication as I
should. What I do know is that ever since I was young, they
occupied a position of teaching, authority, and respect. I never
confided in them, and they did not either. Now it has led to
a simple lack of anything. I cannot wake them and cry
on their shoulders or talk to them about issues I find
agonizing or important. I am afraid of their reactions, of their
beliefs. I do not understand them, just as they do not know
that I bite my lips and pull my hair and run my hands
over my face at night.
I feel especially guilty when my most trusted and loved
friends speak or show their own strong familial ties.
Maybe their relationships are just as strained and contrived
(yet filled with love, mind you) as mine, but I can't know that.
It feels like a huge personal failure when my friends notice,
or worse, comment on my perceived inability to communicate
with my parents. It's never a big deal at the time, I don't
mull over it, and I'm usually sure they don't mean it in a
critical light, but when I am alone with my thoughts, it
upsets me. I'm not terribly attached to my family and it
doesn't make me feel very nice sometimes. Although, I do
love them dearly. It's just like loving some essential part of your
everyday life. Which is kind of pathetic, if that's all I can
muster. This is a shallow overview, but God damn, does it
bite.
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1 comment:
Hey pretty. I had a time when I could barely stand to be in the same room as my parents, much less talk to them about anything. I think most people feel that way for periods of time, and a lot of folks never get close to their parents. Maybe you'll find a way to be comfortable with them, but maybe you won't. That's okay, too. You can build your own family wherever you are.
You don't really get to choose the family you're born into, but you can choose who you interact with and surround yourself with. So long as there's love in your life, so long as you have good friends (and I know you do), then you've got a loving family. That's what I think really matters.
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