Abraham Lincoln is a fucking genius.

Let's have a wonderful American Thanksgiving. Bring out the microwave turkey, the can of cranberry jelly. Dad bought a few sixpacks, and the TV is ready to record the big game. We've got everything set to impress the whole family; even the dog got a haircut. Little Susie made patriotic flags and turkeys out of construction paper in school, the colours rich with brown and orange. Mom had taped those effigies to the cupboard door as she finished preparing the mashed potatoes. Junior mowed the lawn, the good cutlery was all washed, and all the kids' faces had been cleaned. The doorbell is about to ring. The nuclear holocaust is about to begin.