Trip to absolution.

February 8th, 2009.
Around 10:00 AM.

I told her that we needed to talk. She looked at me with a curious eye, and we went upstairs. She went to the bathroom while I sat on the bed, trying to formulate something coherent to say. I had a pretty good idea.

She came back in, and we pulled the covers over ourselves. I stumbled over the words, saying "I try not to burden you with my angsty, suicidal, depressive shit but..." before I break into sobs. I try to laugh it off, giving a fake smile that fools nobody. I let off a few laughs as tears course down my face. "You have no idea how many times in the past 12 hours I've wanted to apologize for being such an annoying asshole," I stutter out, as any word is caught between breath, sob, and salty rivers.

She just looks at me with a perplexed smile on her face. "I don't know what you're talking about. You have definitely not been an asshole. You've been wonderful," she said. I don't remember exactly what she said next, but it happened to be the only thing that anyone could have said then to make me feel better. I grabbed her fiercely and cried hard, my alternating laugh/sob now abandoned.

I told her that it was stupid for me to say it, but if she wasn't my friend, I'd be killing myself right now. Permanent solution for a temporary problem be damned, I don't enjoy life. She told me to shut up and held me closer. I kissed her. Life got okay again.

Sometimes I just need to talk about it.