Trip to Hell.

February 8th, 2009.
About 8:00 AM.

Staring into my reflection in the mirror. My cheek bones are gaunt, my jaw muscles flex. My face is skeletal, Iggy Pop-esque. I open my mouth and see a mess of black scribbles that trickle slowly across my face. Leaning back from the bathroom mirror, I put my hands in my pockets, slump over, and sneer at my image.

There's a screaming voice in my head."This is everything you hate about life. That person there is the fucking Devil. That person there is everything you hate about life. You are the fucking Devil."

I turn so my shoulder is facing the mirror and look back, mug shot style, as I talk to myself. "Get a good look at the only thing that's ruining your life. You're a fucking waste. Accept it." It's hard to tell if I'm speaking out loud due to the coherency of my thought patterns and urgency of the message I'm trying to make sure I get across.

My eyes seem smaller and more related to little chips of burning flint than the sheep eye dissection masterpieces I deconstructed in my high school biology class. I can literally see the gaping holes in my face where no flesh exists, leaving chunks of jaw bone and muscle.

I sit down on the floor. A thought of finding some sharp object and killing myself passes briefly through my mind, but I ignore it. I grab my knees, rocking back and forth as I try to control my rapidly spinning head. Put my head on my knees and close my eyes.

Bad fucking idea.

The blackness behind my eyes expands and drops out from below me. There is no ground underneath my feet, my eyes are riveted to my heart. There's an infinite agonizing howl resounding in my head that is pulling me inexorably downwards into myself.

I rip my head up and spread my eyelids wide. A flicker, a tear. Fuck that. Infinite pit of bleakness, you do not tempt me. I'm not suicidal enough to be a total teenage death statistic, not motivated enough to be a successful, intelligent contributor to society, not apathetic enough to not care about anything. I'm left in the middle of middle grounds: trying and failing and wishing and waiting.