Three: Mental State

Mental
State:

in a quiet state of panic, desperation, and/or worry.
despite frequent quarreling with mother, do lover her and
can't help but bring thoughts of her, and my own, mortality
into the scene. she's 56, I think. in good health, so I
know she'll be all right. still, it's difficult not to be morbid.
had own confrontation with bemused mortality earlier this year
when I coughed up blood for almost a month. told my
friends it was only a week to spare them of worry.
am reminded of renowned poet who coughed up blood
and realized he was going to die. died at a young age
of tuberculosis. am confident of own health, but such things
are fuel for thought. i am pretty upset. have not been
talking to lover much. feel that with my current mild
depression and the shit that's been currently going. received
beautiful text message from her last night at 5 am Germany
time. made me feel a lot better about our relationship. however,
that was before mother's relapse. high school kids are walking
by me on their lunch break and off to taco bell to celebrate.
i don't fit in here, or in America, or walking through the streets of
Germany. something about how I dress, walk, look, smile, look
morose, I don't know. fit in with my friends, at least the close ones.